Department of What Really Happened

This morning a family of tourists -- mom, dad, three girls and two boys -- passed me walking east on M Street, at just before 7AM as I was on my way to the New York Avenue Metro.

I admit that I may, possibly, be engaging in racial profiling when I say this, but there is absoultely no way this gaggle of corn-fed fanny-packed honkies was going in the right direction. I gave their patriarch an arch look to that effect, which was rebuffed. I even heard the oldest of the girls say, to no response, "Dad, it says 'Northwest' in the book."

Of course it says Northwest in the book, Dad. Because there is nothing north of H Street and east of North Capitol in your book, with the possible exceptions of Galludet University and the old Washington Coliseum, where the Beatles played their first U.S. show, and which is now a recycling transfer station and parking lot.

I did consider, after more than a block of distance had passed between us, going back to tell them all or some of this. But I was running a little late and the sun was almost up and it was possible, however unlikely, they were badly negotiating an attempt to locate the National Arboretum, which is only a brisk two-and-a-half mile walk up New York Avenue from the Metro stop.

Nothing too terrible was going to happen to them, probably. And they would manage to see a bit of D.C. on foot that is generally observed, even by longtime residents, as a blur from the interior of a locked car, and have a hot one for the folks back home in Red State.

Doctor, Play Thyself

I'm ashamed to say that a phone call from my mother moved me to tear open the yellow polybag containing the Washington Post's Sunday circulars, coupons and comics to read "Maybe...We Should Feel Shame," by Dr. Joyce Brothers in this week's Parade Magazine.

The cover is a grab bag of nightmares from the cultural abyss: a goo-drenched "Fear Factor" contestant, Paris and Nicole in air-hostess drag, Janet and Justin, and an angry Ron Artest being restrained by a teammate.

Inside, Dr. Joyce makes the argument that the self-esteem pendulum has swung so far in the direction of reflexive affirmation that as a society we've lost our standards. Further, a revival of shaming, at home, at school and in the public sphere would stem our collective drift toward a culture that is insensate to all but the basest experience.

I'm all for that. And I'm going to start with Dr. Joyce Brothers, who writes:

The thrill of becoming 'famous' may be brief; the realization that one appeared gross to millions of viewers, not so brief. Perhaps we're creating a subset of of people who will suffer from a new type of disorder: 'Post-TV Appearance Syndrome.'

Tsk-tsk, Dr. Joyce. You have much to answer for. Please make public remonstrations or remit apologies for each of the following:

"The Mullets" playing "Herself" in episode: "Grudge Match" (episode # 1.5) 7 October 2003

"Felicity" playing "Judge" in episode: "Miss Conception" (episode # 4.4) 31 October 2001

"Ally McBeal" playing "Herself" in episode: "Those Lips, That Hand" (episode # 2.18) 19 April 1999

"The Nanny" playing "Herself" in episode: "The Ex-Niles" (episode # 5.5) 29 October 1997

"Melrose Place" playing "Herself" in episode: "Amanda Unplugged" (episode # 4.9) 30 October 1995

"Melrose Place" playing "Herself" in episode: "Dial M for Melrose" (episode # 4.8) 23 October 1995

"Melrose Place" playing "Herself" in episode: "Let the Games Begin" (episode # 4.7) 16 October 1995

"Baywatch" playing "Doctor" in episode: "Deep Trouble" (episode # 5.19) 1 May 1995

"Married... with Children" playing "The Judge" in episode: "Sue Casa, His Casa" (episode # 5.3) 7 October 1990

"The Howard Stern Show" playing "Herself" 4 August 1990

"ALF" playing "Herself" in episode: "Tonight, Tonight: Part 2" (episode # 3.5) 24 October 1988

"ALF" playing "Herself" in episode: "Tonight, Tonight: Part 1" (episode # 3.4) 24 October 1988

"CHiPs" in episode: "Fun House" (episode # 6.19) 13 March 1983

"CHiPs" playing "Herself" in episode: "The Spaceman Made Me Do It" (episode # 6.3) 24 October 1982

The Bob Hope Funny Valentine Special (1981) (TV)

Oh, God! Book II (1980) (as Joyce Brothers) .... Herself on NBC

"Project U.F.O." playing "Dr. Siginaw" in episode: "Sighting 4021: The Superstition Mountain Incident" (episode # 2.9) 7 December 1978

Battle of the Network Stars (1976) (TV) .... Herself

Embryo (1976) .... Herself ... aka Created to Kill (USA: reissue title)

"Match Game PM" (1975) TV Series .... Panelist

From the Annals of Standards and Practices

Advertisers had a tough time tailoring their spots to the New Uptightness for this year's Super Bowl, but none tougher than domain registrar GoDaddy.com.

Ad Store managing partner Tim Arnold revealed just how tough in an article published in the Feb. 21 issue of MediaWeek. After submitting storyboards of their spot poking fun at last year's halftime unpleasantness, Arnold received a series of telephone calls from Roland McFarland, senior standards and practices executive for the Fox Network, demanding, among other things, that the GoDaddy spot not contain "revealing cleavage" and "be in good taste." According to Arnold, the following exchange took place on one of these calls.

Arnold: "I can assure you this commercial will be consistent with the levels of good taste established by your own network's programming."

McFarland: "Actually, it's going to have to be better than that."

Wire Fraud?

I didn't intend to use this space as a means to settle grudges or hurl unsupported allegations at my enemies, but as my good friend Hoffman says: "God forbid any of us have a bad lunch and not have a forum to gripe about it."

It is in that spirit that I must protest what I feel is a violation of the honor system among the players of the HBO-sponsored trivia game for devotees of "The Wire," the greatest crime drama ever.

The game itself is as good an online quiz as you could ask for. The interface is simple. The scoring is based not only on the number of correct answers but on how fast they are answered. You get three chances to pass a quiz -- a minimum seven out of 10 correct -- before it is locked to you for 24 hours.

However, the answers to each round are available to all who pass. It may be that certain individuals, unhappy with their spots on the leaderboard, are collecting the answers, signing up under new user names and retaking the quiz with answers at the ready in order to answer more quickly and improve their standing.

What proof do I have?

None.

None except that provided by the intersection of my superior attitude and my shaky grasp of statistics.

To wit: I was holding steady at between 100 and 150 out of approximately 10,500 entrants, peaking at around 64, which is not bad.

As of this writing, with the addition of just 200 more contestants, I have dropped to 194 in the rankings. So either I was passed by a quarter of the new contestants, a number of contestants who had neglected to complete all the quizzes finally did so, or there are malefactors at work malefactiating.

I suppose there could be some DVD promotion or contest or news article that might explain my decline in the rankings, but I doubt it. I could simply be happy to be among the top two percent of scorers. Still, I can't help but think how much better I would feel if I were in the top six-tenths of one percent, and how much better it would be if folks didn't cheat and lie over nothing. Like they say on the show: "That is the game."

But I agree with what Omar (pictured above) said as Det. Bunk Moreland mused, "A man must have a code."

"Oh, indeed," said Omar, "Indeed."

The Original "I Didn't Do It" Boy

Fine art isn't funny; at least not "ha-ha" funny.

Art can be droll, witty, impish and even absurd, but rare is the work that elicits doubled-over hysterics in the viewer. Then there is Domencino's 1626 oil painting "The Rebuke of Adam and Eve," which hangs in Gallery 33 of the National Gallery of Art's West Main Floor.

The painting depicts the original gotcha moment: God appears as a bearded ancient with a flowing gray beard and clad only in shimmering blue silk tunic, arranged just so to reveal a broad, hairless chest and quite a bit of leg. He's accompanied by a quintet of cherubim who are wrapped in what appears to be a cloak of royal velvet. His hand is extended in mid gesture, about to clench into a fist, like an umpire readying to eject a calumnious manager.

Adam, already hiding his shame with fig leaves, is slightly hunched, and his shoulders are shrugged in the universal sign for "I didn't do it." He's not pointing at Eve, not exactly, but it's clear from the roll of his eyes and his outstretched palms, that he's offering a kind of "You-see-what-I-have-to-deal-with-down-here?" to The Creator.

Eve, red-haired and apple-breasted, is similarly trying to refocus The Lord's gaze, in her case, to the snake that is slithering away into the crotch of a tree.

Nowhere in the National Exhibition catalog text does Philip Conisbee, the Gallery's senior curator of European painting, let on that Domencino's work is the most howlingly funny work of art in the museum's collection. Click on the image above and judge for yourself.

Suggested Cooking Times

"They need to be boiled only as long as it takes to say two Our Fathers."

Bartolomeo Platina
"Ravioli in tempo de carne"
De honesta voluptate (1475)

Stairway to Health Bread

...after second rising, gently transfer dough to loaf pan, or pat into a round and place on pre-heated pizza stone...bake at 450° for three full Stairways... N.B. whistling flute solos may cause cracks to form in loaf.

Star-Spangled Bran Muffins

...place muffin tin in 325° oven. Doff toque, if wearing. Sing anthem four times at full military attention with hand over heart... For best results, do not prolong vowel sounds at higher elevations.

Pasta Layla

...stir gently, taking care not to trip over cord or upset amplifier stack... Top with parmigiano-reggiano and freshed-cracked green peppercorns and let stand while concluding solo. Sprinkle with a chiffonade of sage and serve.

Sad-Eyed Lady of the Lo-Fat Fudge

...once blended, transfer fudge to wax paper-lined 9-in. baking pan. Dust with remaining confectioners sugar and place in refrigerator. After four Sad-Eyed Lady of the Lowlands, check to see if fudge has set. Cut into squares with a plastic spatula and let stand at room temperature for an additional Lady before serving.

American Pie Pie

Not recommended.

Tech Buzzwords That Will Never, Ever Enter the Language, Part One

Pooberry \ pü-ber-e\ n, pl pooberries (2005) : an e-mail sent by a supervisor, via Blackberry, that was, in the estimation of the recipient, composed during a protracted act of defecation.