I am thirty-five years old.

From: xxxxxxx@aol.com [mailto:xxxxxxx@aol.com]
Sent: Saturday, March 26, 2005 9:29 AM
To: xxxxxxxxx@mindspring.com
Subject: happy easter and passover

A___, a trip back.

Daffodils and Tulips safely underground,
In spring sent up a crocus to have a look around,
The crocus said it's winter, there's frost on everything,
But a passerby who saw it said, "A crocus, IT IS SPRING!"

Everytime I see the first crocus, I think of you reciting that little poem.

Love,
Mum

Folk songs for people with short-term memory problems

So That's What You Do With the Drunken Sailor

Wait a Sec, the Flowers Are Right Here

Oh, I Do Have a Hammer

Slightly unpleasant thought for the day

You can never defeat General Tso. You can only hope to contain him.

Now that's hard core

It's been about 11 weeks since I moved from Brooklyn, and that means the management company responsible for my last apartment is at least a week overdue in returning my security deposit. I turned the apartment over to a new tenant, who took the place "as-is," meaning I'm due back the entire sum. However, I'm not optimistic about my chances of collecting: When I was placed on hold and routed to a voice mailbox, the interstitial music was "We're Not Gonna Take It" by the Who.

Word on the street

"Heaven's where you never die. You get plenty of pussy, and get high."

-- overheard on 14th St. outside of Yum's Carryout

American Life: Dept. of Second Acts

It's 5:30 p.m. newstime and this is Dan Rather, your eye in the sky, reporting.

All lanes are open on Kenilworth Avenue at Benning Road after a stalled taxi cab, its engine block steaming like a Baptist preacher come Sunday after the barn dance, got a tow. Minor delays back to Eastern Avenue.

At the Wilson Bridge, southbound Route 1 is crawling like a two-legged frog from Pendelton Street to the Beltway.

On the inner loop of the Capital Beltway, there's nothing but red tail-lights and redder faces between Connecticut Avenue and the 270 Northbound exit.

On the outer loop, a tractor-trailer is wedged underneath an overpass near Telegraph Road like a badger trying to squeeze through a mousehole.

After two separate accidents, traffic on I-395 near Seminary Road looks like the line for an H Street whore on check day. It's stop and go all the way to Washington Boulevard.

This is Dan Rather, your eye in the sky. Courage.

Law & Order: Zombie Briscoe

Back from the dead, with a grab bag of wisecracks clipped from the afterlife, Jerry Orbach hits the streets of Manhattan in an all new Law & Order -- Law & Order: Zombie Briscoe

....

EXT. NIGHT. DET. GREEN HOLDS UP YELLOW CRIME SCENE TAPE AS DET. BRISCOE SHAMBLES UNDERNEATH. BOTH STAND OVER THE CORPSE OF A YOUNG WOMAN

GREEN: I guess she's dead.

BRISCOE: You don't have to tell me. I know from dead.

....

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM. DAY. BRISCOE SITS ACROSS FROM MURDER SUSPECT, A BALDING, NEBBISHY MIDDLE-AGED MAN WHO ROCKS NERVOUSLY AS HE SPEAKS

SUSPECT: I was alone. I was drinking. I don't remember what happened.

BRISCOE: I know how that is. I used to drink alone... when I was alive.

....

EXT. STATIONHOUSE. NIGHT. BRISCOE AND GREEN EXIT THE SQUAD. GREEN'S CELL PHONE RINGS. HE GLANCES AT THE NUMBER AND THEN SILENCES THE PHONE AND RETURNS IT TO HIS POCKET

GREEN: What do I have to do to shake this girl?

BRISCOE: That's the great thing about being dead... no alimony.

....

INT. SQUADROOM. DAY. DETS. BRISCOE AND GREEN SIT AT FACING DESKS. GREEN DEVOURS A CORNED BEEF SANDWICH. BRISCOE WATCHES HIM INTENTLY

GREEN: Man, this case is getting inside my head.

BRISCOE: I'd like to get inside your head... and eat your brains.

....