I Optimistically Open E-Mails From the Following, But I Know Deep Down, it's Just Spam

Chloe

Clare/Claire

Daphne/Daphnae

Holly

Sophie

Tai Shan

Working Titles Of Songs For My Musical Based On the Hit Series "Alice"

Yes, Diane Ladd Really Played the Slutty Waitress After the Original Flo Quit

The Time that Telly Savalas Showed Up and Broke Plates

The One With George Burns

Alice's Son Tommy, Played by Philip McKeon, Is the Real-Life Brother of Nancy, Who Was Jo on "Facts of Life"

Mel's Lament (The Pickup)

Imagined letters to Will Shortz, crossword editor

Will Shortz
Crossword editor
New York Times
229 W. 43rd St.
New York, New York

Dear Mr. Shortz:

In the Jan. 11 crossword puzzle, 13-across seeks a five-letter answer for the clue "Ragu rival." In the context of the puzzle, the answer is Prego. In truth, Prego is so far superior to Ragu that to call them rivals is to elevate one and belittle the other to such an extent that I am forced to conclude that either you have never tried Prego's Four-Cheese or Chunky Vegetable varieties, or else you are surreptitiously advertising for Ragu.

Which is it, sir? Ignoramus or shill?

I await, with growing anxiety, your reply.

Yrs, etc.

Douglas R. Conant
President and Chief Executive Officer
Campbell Soup Company

Remembering Pearl Harbor

This is the day I get to tell my favorite joke in all the world:

Did you hear about the guy who was half-Japanese and half-Jewish?

Every December 7, he bombed Pearl Schwartz.

What's for lunch in... Brockton, Mass.

Baked Macaroni & Cheese
Small garden Salad
Buffalo Chicken Drummie
Fresh Roll
Chocolate Brownie
Milk

M-m-m-my sestina

I have a sestina on McSweeney's. It is posted here.

And now back to the hyperbaric chamber.

Small craft warning

(11:56:54) LWBush: Hey honey, there's an unidentified aircraft headed this way
(11:56:55) POTUS43: AUTO-REPLY: I'm not at my desk right now
(11:56:59) LWBush: Honey? For real. They're crashing the buidling
(11:56:01) POTUS43: AUTO-REPLY: I'm not at my desk right now
(11:57:06) LWBush: Well, I'm here with Nancy, and the agents are telling us we have to go.
(11:57:07) POTUS43: AUTO-REPLY: I'm not at my desk right now
(11:57:08) LWBush: Dick's asking, do you want to scramble the F-16s
(11:57:10) POTUS43: AUTO-REPLY: I'm not at my desk right now
(11:57:16) LWBush: You're not playing the whack-a-mole are you?
(11:57:17) POTUS43: AUTO-REPLY: I'm not at my desk right now
(11:57:19) LWBush: Cruising chicks on Nerve?
(11:57:20) POTUS43: AUTO-REPLY: I'm not at my desk right now
(11:57:22) LWBush: Downloading Vanessa Kerry photos?
(11:57:23) POTUS43: AUTO-REPLY: I'm not at my desk right now
(11:57:25) LWBush: Because this is kind of important
(11:57:27) POTUS43: AUTO-REPLY: I'm not at my desk right now
(11:57:31) LWBush: Well, I'm going to go ahead and have Dick call the Air Force
(11:57:32) POTUS43: AUTO-REPLY: I'm not at my desk right now