Imagined letters to Will Shortz, crossword editor, #3

Will Shortz
Crossword editor
New York Times
229 W. 43rd St.
New York, New York

RE: Puzzle 0205, Clue 15-A - "Singers Ochs and Collins"

Dear Mr. Shortz:

Dude, let me rest in peace.

Yrs,
Phil Ochs

What I Learned on "Meet the Press"

NBC's Tim Russert knows what a fluffernutter is. Presidential candidate John Edwards does not.

Russert flashed the following quote from Sen. Joe Biden's interview with the New York Observer on-screen to get Edwards' reaction:

John Edwards wants you and all the Democrats to think, ‘I want us out of there,’ but when you come back and you say, ‘O.K., John’...what about the chaos that will ensue? Do we have any interest, John, left in the region?’ Well, John will have to answer yes or no. If he says yes, what are they? What are those interests, John? How do you protect those interests, John, if you are completely withdrawn? Are you withdrawn from the region, John? Are you withdrawn from Iraq, John? In what period? So all this stuff is like so much Fluffernutter out there. So for me, what I think you have to do is have a strategic notion. And they may have it—they are just smart enough not to enunciate it.

Then the following exchange took place:

SEN. EDWARDS: Fluffernutter, huh?
MR. RUSSERT: Did you ever have one?

Edwards sidestepped that critical question to address the substance of Biden's remarks.

In case you were wondering, a fluffernutter is a regional treat that is a familiar school lunch item for New Englanders. It is a sandwich of Marshmallow Fluff and peanut butter on white bread. Marshmallow Fluff is a creamy spread made from corn syrup, sugar syrup, vanilla and egg white and manufactured by the Durkee-Mower company of Lynn, Mass.

How Biden and Russert know about the fluffernutter is something of a mystery. According to their respective bios, neither went to school or held a job in New England. The sandwich made a brief appearance in the news last year when a Massachusetts legislator moved to ban the sandwich from public school cafeterias because of its negligible nutritional value, but other than that, the fluffernutter has maintained a modest national profile.

Recipes from the owner's manual: Chicken with 40 cloves of garlic

From the Owner's Guide to the Rival brand Stoneware Slow Cooker or Crock Pot

2 sprigs fresh thyme
2 sprigs fresh rosemary
2 sprigs fresh sage
2 sprigs Italian parsley
1 (4-lb.) whole broiler/fryer chicken
2 stalks celery cut into 3-inch pieces
40 cloves of garlic, unpeeled
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper

It is entirely possible that forty is too many cloves of garlic to season a medium-sized chicken. If you are determined to make this dish, I suggest cooking the bird on high for about 3.5 hours rather than on low for between 8 to 10 hours, as I did. A better suggestion might be to omit the dish altogether.

The return of Mr. Thomas

Stoppable though my blogging skills may be, I have indeed returned for the purpose of publicizing the next appearance of Mr. F.W. Thomas on the Washington D.C. stage. The wildly funny singer songwriter Jonathan Coulton will be in attendance. You may learn about it here.

In addition to plumping the September F.W. Thomas Performances, it may interest you to learn that in October, the evening's doing will be taken over by author, commentator, comedian and actual computing device John Hodgman, as part of his tour for the paper-back installation of his wildly successful almanac and knowledge compendium, The Areas of My Expertise. Click here for a rundown of Mr. Hodgman's tour.

Finally we will catch our breath in November, secure in the knowledge that the coattails of the aforementioned talents will lend both credibility and audience to our timid but sincere efforts, and present another program of homegrown and imported talent the likes of which is rarely, if ever, assembled on a single stage.

Maz Media

It is an event that shall not be repeated in my lifetime. On Thursday, June 16, I published a profile of novelist Andrew Holleran in the Washington City Paper. On the same day, the Washington Post ran a story about the F.W. Thomas Performances.

If it isn't Mister Thomas

Mr. F.W. Thomas (deceased) is making a return appearance at the Warehouse Theater on Monday June 12 at 7:30PM.

See writer Andrew Beaujon, singer and guitar-man Josh McIlvain (aka "The Sex Cop"), FWT artist-in-residence T.M. Lowery and humorist Matthew Summers-Sparks all on a single bill for the criminally low price of $3 (U.S.).

Visit the F.W. Thomas Performances Web site and blog for details.

JC in the DC

The brilliant songwriter and Internet legend (for his acoustic cover of "Baby Got Back") Jonathan Coulton is coming to the area for an early evening gig on Friday May 26 at Jammin Java all the way out in Vienna.

Click here for tickets, and directions to this far-flung venue.

Click here for Jonathan's site.

Click here to listen to "Baby Got Back." You will never be the same again.