Exunt Offerman

In 1990, wunderkind prospect Jose Offerman became the first player in Los Angeles Dodgers history to homer in his first major league at bat. And, as nice bookend, it appears he hit a home run in his last professional at-bat as the leadoff hiter for the Long Island Ducks of the independent Atlantic League.

Symmetrical. Storybook. The stuff that dreams are made of.

Not quite. Here is a look at what is very probably his last professional plate appearance, in a game against the Bridgeport Bluefish.

Because he was hit by a pitch, and subsequently attacked the pitcher with his lumber (coincidentally concussing Bluefish catcher John Nathan on his back-swing), it does not technically count as an at-bat.

38 Pitches

Curt Schilling is a bloviating douchelord, but the man can throw.

So what if he sullied the mystique and aura of the first Red Sox championship in 86 years by stumping for George Bush in New Hampshire and, according to some wicked paranoid conspiracy theorists, turning the election.

And so what if he speaks of himself in self-aggrandizing Bibilical overtones, or accuses the sporting press of being lazy hacks.

And especially so what if he suggested that Barry Bonds might have a history of being less than truthful.

I mean, I was there for Stigmata II in Fenway, when Curt shut out the Cardinals over six blood-soaked innings, giving the Red Sox a commanding two-game lead in the series.

But listen, bitch, Public Apology is the title of my blog. Not yours.

Maybe this is your way of telling me to be a more active blogger. Fine. I get that. But please, next time at least ask before you copy me.

Also, love the change-up. Really great.

Panic in Wallenda-land

Last year, blogging hubris doomed my glorious rookie fantasy baseball season. After posting an entry titled I Am A Fantasy Baseball God, I quickly went from the position of unassailable front-runner to forgettable also-ran.

Can the fates be harnessed in the opposite direction? If so, then know this: My fantasy team (the Frying Wallendas) was so incompetently assembled that I could have done better with the autodraft.

I selected puffed-up rookies Mark Gordon and Troy Tulowitzki, who have as of this writing combined for an anemic 5-for-34. I opted for two players, Scott Podsednik and Johnny Gomes, who aren't even full-time starters. And I backed myself into a lineup-setting corner with the choice of Frank Thomas, who only sets up as a utility player. Oh, Ramon Hernandez and Johnny Damon both suffered early late spring injuries that are keeping them out of the action in the early going. Plus, I only picked two closers.

I'm not in dead last at the moment, but it is only a matter of time.

It isn't you. It's F.W. Thomas.

F.W. Thomas is getting the band back together for one blow-out gig. On Monday Feb. 12, just hours before the outbreak of Valentine's Day, you are invited to pay money to attend: The F.W. Thomas Performances: The Breakup Episode, featuring the art of Mike Lowery, the words of Matthew Summers-Sparks, the music of the great Gino Madrid, and, if we can get our shit together, the WORLD'S FIRST-EVER BREAKUP SLAM, in which audience participants, pre-screened by volunteer snake wranglers, will share woefully hilarious tales of romance gone awry.

Read more at the F.W. Thomas blog.

Imagined letters to Will Shortz, crossword editor, #3

Will Shortz
Crossword editor
New York Times
229 W. 43rd St.
New York, New York

RE: Puzzle 0205, Clue 15-A - "Singers Ochs and Collins"

Dear Mr. Shortz:

Dude, let me rest in peace.

Yrs,
Phil Ochs

What I Learned on "Meet the Press"

NBC's Tim Russert knows what a fluffernutter is. Presidential candidate John Edwards does not.

Russert flashed the following quote from Sen. Joe Biden's interview with the New York Observer on-screen to get Edwards' reaction:

John Edwards wants you and all the Democrats to think, ‘I want us out of there,’ but when you come back and you say, ‘O.K., John’...what about the chaos that will ensue? Do we have any interest, John, left in the region?’ Well, John will have to answer yes or no. If he says yes, what are they? What are those interests, John? How do you protect those interests, John, if you are completely withdrawn? Are you withdrawn from the region, John? Are you withdrawn from Iraq, John? In what period? So all this stuff is like so much Fluffernutter out there. So for me, what I think you have to do is have a strategic notion. And they may have it—they are just smart enough not to enunciate it.

Then the following exchange took place:

SEN. EDWARDS: Fluffernutter, huh?
MR. RUSSERT: Did you ever have one?

Edwards sidestepped that critical question to address the substance of Biden's remarks.

In case you were wondering, a fluffernutter is a regional treat that is a familiar school lunch item for New Englanders. It is a sandwich of Marshmallow Fluff and peanut butter on white bread. Marshmallow Fluff is a creamy spread made from corn syrup, sugar syrup, vanilla and egg white and manufactured by the Durkee-Mower company of Lynn, Mass.

How Biden and Russert know about the fluffernutter is something of a mystery. According to their respective bios, neither went to school or held a job in New England. The sandwich made a brief appearance in the news last year when a Massachusetts legislator moved to ban the sandwich from public school cafeterias because of its negligible nutritional value, but other than that, the fluffernutter has maintained a modest national profile.

Recipes from the owner's manual: Chicken with 40 cloves of garlic

From the Owner's Guide to the Rival brand Stoneware Slow Cooker or Crock Pot

2 sprigs fresh thyme
2 sprigs fresh rosemary
2 sprigs fresh sage
2 sprigs Italian parsley
1 (4-lb.) whole broiler/fryer chicken
2 stalks celery cut into 3-inch pieces
40 cloves of garlic, unpeeled
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper

It is entirely possible that forty is too many cloves of garlic to season a medium-sized chicken. If you are determined to make this dish, I suggest cooking the bird on high for about 3.5 hours rather than on low for between 8 to 10 hours, as I did. A better suggestion might be to omit the dish altogether.